Well time has been quite a blur lately. Its been hard to keep track of what events are happening at home, work and MKE. I think this blog comes in at the end of the week intended?….doesn’t really matter, it’s hard to write on demand, creating or using a small window of time to get the blog done seems forced. There have been some blogs that weren’t necessarily long winded but took me three hours to write, I love it when I am inspired and have the time to say all that I am feeling, refine it and by the end process a lot of the feelings and emotions as I write it.
Its late, my kid is in bed, my partner is away at work for a week, and I have a moment in time. The big question….what do I write? I have spent lots of time writing about my struggles during certain weeks, and even more time praising myself for my accomplishments that are in sync with my DMP and my future self.
I chuckle when I realize, I am a classic first timer at this program. So much enthusiasm, so much confidence, so much passion….yet so easily derailed from the program. It is truly amazing to me how drastically my behaviour shifts from week to week, day to day even. I would love to tout about how I’ve been on an amazing run….but in truth I haven’t…..what HAS changed is that I’m finally not being hard on myself.
Even at my worst with not reading scrolls , flipping cards, and reading the lessons…. in public life I am kind, considerate and am still observing all the love and kindness that is alive and well in the world. I am still inspired and I still believe that I have a purpose, and can realize true happiness and bliss. I am sooooooo grateful for all I have. I can easily recognize how fortunate I am in my situation, good health , a great job, a loving partner, an amazing kid and the list goes on. I am much more aware than I used to be.
I am on a proper mission to peel back my layers of brainwashing, and identify those beliefs that are stopping me from fully answering the call….this final stretch is the time when you say I’ve got this, or say fuck it, I’m not ready, or some other excuse why I can’t finish, The old blueprint is on its last legs and it is digging in. I really recognized this as I punched in my payment for this last pif, sending the money was a moment of commitment, I am going to push through to the end…no matter what, I am way better off than when I started,,,,,My self doubt manifests itself by focusing on the fact that there are certain MKE tasks I never fully embraced or never formed good solid habits of completing…the sit is one of them…. my brain is loud when I stop and pay attention….many of my sits are whirlwind adventures, with no real reprieve, I almost feel exhausted after….I avoid doing them, because of my utter failure to find calm and quiet…this can no longer be the case… whether I wrote out enough cards or shapes and changed and moved them seems less important, than giving the brain some space to rest and repose. So many of the Haanel lessons speak of the necessity of the repose, the quiet, to organize your thoughts, set goals, and move forward with confidence and purpose…..
In the spirit of speaking in the future tense….
I am a master of my mind. I sit daily , and and I access that space, the gap between all things, that is all things, I quiet my mind, and reconnect with my source, and I accept and celebrate my magnificence.
Ha…..so now that that’s out of the way…..next..
Although I’m getting long winded, it’s time to mention an amazing experience I had yesterday.
A little context…a few blogs past I spoke of a lady I assisted at work with a badly broken wrist, a friend and neighbor in Bamfield, she had surgery and pins put in, but has been on the mend so far… Her husband was a very close mate before he collapsed and died of a ruptured brain aneurysm about three years ago, it devastated our entire community and most of all Lorry, she lost her true love………some how as fate would have it she fell to the same situation a few weeks ago…..she however survived…..As of Thursday she was moved from Vancouver to Port Alberni on Vancouver island. After finding this out and getting a brief synopsis of her condition ( very bad, no speech, complete right side paralysis, feeding tube, likely fully cognizant.) I decided I must go see her. I was amazed at my initial hesitation, the thought of seeing my friend completely debilitated, frustrated, scared, altered, was awful….if she was more of just an acquaintance, I may not have went, but I love her and want to bring her some happiness. So off I go with my guitar in hand.
When I entered the room, it was worse than I expected. She was so thin an frail, immobile, and unable to communicate, obviously at least….. This was a vibrant humorous, intelligent woman, now trapped in a broken shell with no way to express herself….I got down to basics right away….there is a song I play that she loves….Its a parody of the John Denver song “Country Road”….. to get to Bamfield ( on Vancouver island B.C.) you must travel down 90 km of industrial logging road, which seasonally has its challenges….so naturally the song became “Logging Road”….. there is also a boat/ ferry that comes to town 5 days a week called the “Lady Rose” which clearly works for the song as well, being a longer but much smoother ride…anyway…no matter when or where I see her, if I have a guitar or one is nearby, she wants to hear this song…….
OK, so what happened John?
I looked her in the eye and I saw her….she was there….I said Lorry, you must visualize yourself back in Bamfield, in your beautiful home, cooking, drinking wine, visiting with friends, enjoying the life you created for yourself…the logging road is the way to get there. It will be rough in spots, in others it will be smooth, there are lots of hills to climb, but you coast down the backside, you can make it home, keep the vision firm in your mind, see yourself there, hear yourself talking, watch yourself take steps and walk again.
I must believe that her brain can find a way to make new pathways and connections to regain her abilities… I made a deal with her that we would use this song to help her, to think of it constantly, to take the difficult logging road back to her home in Bamfield, I will come and play it for her everyday I am around.
I had overwhelming feelings of empathy, I felt the anxiety and fear she must be going through, all of my problems shrank down to nothing, my gratitude soared for all the wonderful things in my life, things as simple as my ability to walk and talk. As I played, I could barely get the words out, tears were streaming down my face. She was engaged, she was tapping her foot, and chuckled softly at a few of the humorous lyrics, I could see her waves of recognition and happiness, and also her devastation, fear and hopelessness. I was able to establish a basic communication system with her, using hand squeezes, 1 for yes 2 for no. She was able to answer simple questions but it was obvious her brain was struggling to process information. I continued to play more music for her, for the next hour, and put her to sleep with a gentle instrumental piece. I gave her a kiss on the cheek, told her I loved her and I would be back soon.
This experience was highly emotional for me. The staff and other patients also enjoyed the music and thanked me for coming and sharing. I felt like it may have actually helped, created a small reprieve from the gravity of the long battle she has ahead of her. I am energized and plan to visit other rooms randomly, and play music for anyone who wants to hear some. I am finally engaging in some real service using my greatest gift. I will put my problems and stresses aside, face the awkwardness of being around vulnerable people, and share my gifts with the goal of spreading joy and happiness. I will make this my greatest habit.
Please send healing vibes for Lorry Larson, she can really use them. Thank you everyone.
MKMMA 